I’m sorry that “Beverly Hills Chihuahua” is the first thing I’ve posted about in over a month, but sometimes you see something that hurts your heart so badly, you just need to write about it. I was going to turn this blog post into a diatribe against Andy Garcia for selling himself out and appearing alongside Drew Barrymore in a movie about Chihuahuas until I remembered that he left his dignity in the coatroom at the premier of Ocean’s 12. Worst Movie Ever. I would like, then, to take this opportunity to address a short open letter to Disney and any other producers out there who might have unfortunate thoughts of making another “talking dogs” movie.
You know, I really used to love your animal movies. Dumbo, the Lion King, 101 Dalmatians…and the Fox and the Hound! God, that movie made tear up every time. Even Balto was alright. I don’t know which of you slacker Disney-wannabes made it, but for once you kept from failing, and I’ll give you props for that.
I have to tell you, though, you really have to cut all this bullshit with the live-action talking-animal movies. Beverly Hills Chihuahua? Cats ‘n’ Dogs? And I’m going to go ahead and throw in Alvin & The Chipmunks and Underdog too. I know Michael Eisner probably told you that “CGI is the best thing since cramming a horse’s mouth full of peanut butter,” but you have to remember that he said it right after he greenlighted 112 Dalmatians and right before he suggested Pirates of the Caribbean Four: Captain Jack Allies With Ninja Sailors To Take Back The Flying Dutchman From Horatio Hornblower.
Don’t listen to that Mickey-killing, Goofy-stomping son of a bitch. America can and will keep shoveling buckets full of money into your pockets as long as you keep feeding us shitty movies to drag howling kids to. With that in mind, though, is it so much to ask that you shelve the CGI for awhile and make something tolerable? You can animate animals just as easily in cartoon form, and I hear you can use computers for that too these days. Kids won’t know the difference, and parents will thank you.
Please, just think about it.