July 21, 2008, 11:57 pm
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Sound probable? Well it is more than you think. And you know what? It’s about time those hair flipping, girls pants wearing scensters get their Vans Slip-On shod feet held to the fire. Who would have thought that it would have come from their choice of cosmetics?

Our little story starts off in September 2007. That month saw the release of a number of albums by emo darlings like Motion City Soundtrack, Rilo Kiley, Iron and Wine, Every Time I Die, The Bled, and Hot Hot Heat. Additionally, the charts were filled with hit emo “rockers” like Simple Plan’s “When I’m Gone”, Fall Out Boy’s “I’m Like a Lawyer…”, BoysLikeGirls’ “Hero/Heroine”, Paramore’s “crushcrushcrush”, and who can forget Plain White T’s “Hey There Delilah”. Finally, the number one independent CD of that month was Dashboard Confessional’s “Thick as Thieves”.

At the same time, the L’Oreal Corporation saw the highest gain in stock prices outside of holiday season booms. In one month, the stocks ballooned $10 a share. This drastic gain is usually caused by a spike in demand for the conglomerate’s product. We all know the two things that emo kids love: makeup and skinny guys crying about their fat girlfriends. Usually consuming, per capita, enough eye shadow, mascara and hair dye to make the cast of the Rocky Horror Picture Show gasp in astonishment, it can be assumed with roughly one emo kid per every 4 suburban households (or, 1000 per every Hot Topic storefront), that that climb in stock prices could be a reflection of the prosperity of the emo fad. I won’t even begin to talk about the amount of disposable income 14-18 year old suburban white kids have at their availability…

One of the key ingredients in cosmetics like lipstick, mascara, hair dye, hair wax/pomade is beeswax. Most of the world’s beeswax is sourced from Eastern Africa. Since the spike in demand the profit margins for the sale and export of beeswax have skyrocketed. This is reflected by the amount of aid groups that have intervened and under the premise of “creating a market structure” set standard prices (ones above the pre September ’07 levels) in order to increase the standard of living for the producers. This disguised price gouging can be absorbed by the cosmetics corporations, but other enterprises are not as fortunate.

The Greek Orthodox Church mandates that all candles used for religious services must be made from pure beeswax. As I said before, the area of largest export is Eastern Africa. With a standard price raised by non-profit groups like “Honey Care Africa”, the Greek Orthodox Church is facing the ass end of socialized market economies. The price hike is huge when you consider the scale of wax the church must consume regularly. As a non-profit organization, there is not nearly as much room for price fluctuations as there are in private industries. As such, there is a question to be raised about the viability of the church’s use of the wax candles.

So what’s the moral of the story? If you are a member of the Greek Orthodox Church and an emo kid, you are wrong. If you are an emo kid, shame on you. If you are a member of the Greek Orthodox Church, it is your holy obligation to cease the consumption of cosmetics by emo kids by any means necessary.